Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize