If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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