Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Who died my cat blue again?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
