we're chasing vodka with high fives
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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