The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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