How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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