You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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