so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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