Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
