I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
