I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
