Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
