If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
