why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
