dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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