Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
