You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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