I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
