yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
