I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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