the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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