god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
