we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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