I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
