happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
