The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
