Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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