Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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