i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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