I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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