I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
