Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
