Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
