tell your sister to shave her snatch
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
