sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
