Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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