do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
