i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
