I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
