I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
