You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
