She said her name was "party"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
