please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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