I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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