Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
