Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
