meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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