Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
