i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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