dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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