I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
