I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize