Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
