she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
