I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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