Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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