Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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