Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
