I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
