I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
