i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
