I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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