he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
