i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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