I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
