Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
